Sentil
Hey, my name is Sentil. I've always aspired to be an artist, mainly a writer. And now I created a website dedicated to share what I write and my experience with you.
The High School Series
Other stuff
When I was about 9 years old, I left; there was no God. I felt alone. My parents never had time for me, and I had nobody in my life to talk to or prove me otherwise. I became an atheist.At such a tender age, I was exposed to various content, sexual and controversial. School didn't help; I barely had friends, and the few I knew only dug me deeper into the pornogaphic rabbit hole I was already stuck in.Everything got worse when I stumbled across content involving two individuals of the same gender performing such acts. I was confused, so I did my research as good as any 9 year old would anyway. I found video's on YouTube about some girls who found out in college that they weren't into guys but other girls. I was fascinated but I knew it was wrong, so in my mind I felt if I were to be with a girl I'd have to be a boy.Then I found the transgenders; to say the least they didn't help my case. I was a 9 year old girl who wanted to be a boy. To be fair, the men in my life aways acted all high and might, and society never made it any easier for women. I was angry with how the men in my life conducted themselves and how little society valued women, so I wanted to be the better man, even though I was a female. This only fueled my attraction for girls and my desire to be a boy.At 10, I realised being trans isn't for me, so I identified as a lesbian. I had a girl I'd flirt with from time to time at school, and life was going great.At 11, I felt it was limiting to be a lesbian, so I identify as a pansexual. After a while I saw a lot of coming out video's, and I had gained the confidence to come out as well. I started with my best friend. He had always been a weird boy. He was really into women on women, so when I came out to him, he thought it was lowkey sexy. Strange.Anyway, second was my mum, firm believer of Christ. I don't even know how I convinced myself this will go well in my favour. I remember telling her in the car ride back from school "that we had to talk" and telling myself 'she loves me no way she won't accept me'. I was called a demon, descendant of Satan. Told my phone was the problem; she took it away and she didn't talk to me for a week. I cried so hard that day and never opened up again; even today she barely knows me.Fast forward, I fell into a deep depression and actually had nobody because covid made it impossible for me to talk to my friend. I eventually stole my phone back though, but here's the good part.At the time, we were looking for high schools for me to go to, and I was unsure at first until I stumbled across a YouTube video. This video talked of the lies of the Church and Christians. I was still an aethist; I don't know why I stayed and finished that 30-45 minute video. It talked about how if you've sinned once you are destined to go to hell; there is no forgiveness for you and you are doomed, and anyone a part of the lgbtq is also already in hell; no amount of prayer will get you forgiveness.A part of me said whatever, but another part of me called him a liar; I didn't know why. After that day, I realised we don't have much time until Jesus comes and chose to believe in Christ. I wanted to know more about God and his Word so badly; I decided to go to a Christian school to broaden my understanding. And that is how I went from Aethist to believer of sort.
Dear Y,From the moment I first laid my eyes on you, my heart was set on fire. I could not look away from you. It hurt me so much that you were so near but yet so far. I could never really fathom why I was so besotted with you.Over the course of a year, I've only yearned to be near you, and during the second year, I had the chance. You, a senior in the same hostel as me, and I was beyond thrilled.As our relationship grew, I really wished you'd write back to me more. I truly believe you never knew how much it saddened me when I could not see your smile or hear your voice. It wasn't because of your beauty, but because it was you.If you were more serious about us, perhaps we would have lasted longer than about half a year. However, you were as cunning as a snake, binding yourself tighter around my neck, leaving me with sleepless nights thinking of how I'd wronged you while you never said a word to explain why you were acting this way.The numerous times your friends and my competition had argued with me about you, telling me to watch you before you slipped away or how lucky I was to have you. And yet only in our letters do you dare to label what we have as it is.If I had no respect for you, I would have told the world and showed them proof, but since I loved you, I chose to endure as you called me insane.I was certain my poetry would inform you just how madly I had fallen, but clearly I never understood you. If I had listened to my own warning, I wouldn't be carrying these wounds, but just as Eve couldn't resist the fruit, simply I couldn't resist you.Lastly, I thank you because without you, I now know how true love isn't supposed to feel because of you. Mostly though, I thank the Lord because after five years, I can finally say I've forgiven you fully, just as He forgave me for acting on my sins with you.
Dearly Beloved E,I will not lie to you, I never really did anyway, and you know that. Previously, I told you I was only using you to get back at her. However, I lied. Before I fell for you, that was the plan, but like any plan of mine, I end up messing it up. Hence why I could not tell you that I was in love with you then. How could I when you kept telling me if I was in love with you, you would leave me because God forbid it?You want me to only have eyes for you, but I should not want you, I should not touch you or be with you? How is that fair?My words that come from my mouth are meaningless compared to the ones I write, however I stinged you these because of the one before you. Other than the fact you denied my advances and our chemistry because of the Word hurt me at the time, but now I see you were stronger than me.However, you could have told me not to come visit you in the middle of the night, when we were alone beneath the stars and you'd tell me things you would never want anyone else to know. The way your eyes lit up when you looked at me only fueled me further. Hence why I kept tempting you; you were all I could think about.When you told me you'd leave me, I sat somewhere quiet and cried my eyes out. You caused me so much pain that I chose to break you before you could finish reopening the wound you opened.That's why towards the end I felt so approachable, why I was always there. I'd see you on a good day and on a bad day and leave extra late. I became a vital part of you just to screw you over in the end because you hurt me. That's why. At least that's what I told you anyway.You tried to fix things, but I told you it was over. That's because at that point it was never about you anymore. You were stuck in between the crossfire between me and her, so I broke you because I know I can never break her.I loved you, but that was until you hurt me, but I truly am sorry for what I did. Whether or not you actually forgave me or not is a mystery, but I did learn that younger people shouldn't be hurt just because you can.I feel no need to say anymore than this, but only that I lost a great friend all for what? Nothing.I pray God gives me the type of resilience you had. You were someone I loved, even though we disagreed. You did increase my faith in a way, and for that I thank you, and may you meet better people in your life.
To My Beloved E,In the beginning, I had no love for you. You meant nothing, you were just another one of my juniors. I do not know why you decided you'd give me your attention, but all I know is that once I tasted it, it was all I wanted.From then on, your body was all I could think of. My desire was rooted in lust. I didn't have to know you, all I knew was that I wanted you. I couldn't put my finger on it, but you were different from the other two. If I'd known you were different because you were a bigger snake than the first, I would have left when I had the chance.This isn't my second letter to you; I've written many short ones to you. I always felt the need to bend my rules for you.I have not much to say to you other than the fact that this letter has nothing good to say about you. I already said the nicest things I could say to you in my previous letter.I want you to know you're a pathological liar, not that you don't know that, but for the fact that your name is in the Bible, you don't really live up to it. How can you be having several talking stages and situations with multiple girls and have a serious relationship with your boyfriend?Everything that ever came out of your mouth was a lie, and you never explained anything, probably because you didn't even know the truth yourself...I really did love you though. That lust I felt faded into the darkness from whence it came. I only desired to give you the best because I saw a future with you, but perhaps in another life, if I believed in such.I hope over the course of a year God has made you a more faithful partner. I hope He forgives us for the sins we committed together.I thank Him for helping me recover from the sleepless nights, staring at my cellular device waiting for you to give me a call or a message, but only being greeted with silence.After you claimed you would contact me but never did, nights were spent crying to my therapist and God, telling them you'd call only for you to do what you always did best: disappoint me.I'm glad you were my last though. Thanks to you I grew stronger and received a call from the true person who deserves the name you were given, God Himself, to follow in Him and not chase after you like David chased Bathsheba.
In Letter III, I gave insight on why I turned my life closer to God, but I never gave the full story. It was just one of the factors that convinced me to, but not the main reason.I have read many parts of the Bible, but not enough, hence why I feel there is always something new to learn from it. This year I began listening to more and more preachings mainly targeting what I struggle with. As a person, I was very biased towards things that didn't align with my beliefs, and I was determined to change that this year.I've always felt being part of the LGBT community meant something to me in my younger years, but as I grew I began to slowly resent that part of me. I asked God to help me change that, but I realised He was helping me and I chose to ignore it to support my views and my feelings.It started slowly as the LGBT community got out of hand with their 72 genders. As a Christian, I believe He made man and woman and no third genders. I also believe God made me perfectly in His image, so I no longer supported transitioning.About three years ago, I went from identifying as pansexual to bisexual. Last year, I refused to accept anything beyond LGB because it went against my views. Personally, I do not believe in treating people badly because of their beliefs, but instead helping them see the light.I have heard enough to know that even if having an attraction for the same gender is part of my nature, it doesn't mean I should act on it like I did in high school. Instead, I should not give in to that temptation, same with pornography and masturbation.I started that at a young age, and it takes a lot of willpower not to give in to these temptations, and I needed God to help me of course. I will never say, "you'll magically get healed," but it is possible not to act on this and in due time you will lose the desire to.Now I feel confessing helps because you do not need to carry the burden alone. If you have a good friend that's great, if you talk to God even better, but I think both help more.May God be with you all, have a wonderful day or night.
The High School Series is over technically. The letters are to people I had something going on with and it affected me. So these would be might final letters to them if I could write to them or something. I'll probably post post some things i actually wanted to publish a while ago when I was actually in high school. Or I may write something new and post it here. Thank you for staying till the end.
Other Stuff
This is where the other stuff will be
More coming soon..
Roses are red,
Violets aren't blue
I know this is basic
But so are you.Even though you're basic
I still love you
and I can't seem to imagine
A world without you.You're not starlight or poetry
Not some angel from above
Yet somehow in your ordinary
You found a place here in my heart.Love knows no bounds
To the point it feels meek
Yet somehow in this world
You're still the one I seek.In a world of uncertainty
In a world full of doubts
I can't help but wonder
Why I can't call you mine.I know that's entitled for sure
And I'm proud, how can I not be
When you're right by my side?If roses weren't red
and violets were blue
I still wouldn't imagine
A world without you.I wrote this in high school please forgive the cheesiness.But too bad the person I wrote it for wasn't as beautiful as the peom..